Authored by Justin Yuen on Oct 25th 2010, 19:03
The past two months have brought me near death and to some of the most uncomfortable places I could imagine. The limits of my strength were tested, and now that I have a bit of time to rest, I've been contemplating the issue of strength and how people make it through extraordinarily tough times. Here's what I've come up with so far:
There are three primary sources from which people draw that crucial strength to continue on despite impossible circumstances; internal will, people, and faith. Different people rely on different proportions of these sources of strength. In my case, for the first 25 years, my own internal strength was sufficient to carry me through all my struggles, and so I came to rely solely on it. As this battle with cancer relentlessly dragged on, though, it quickly became apparent that my mind alone was not enough to cope with a challenge of this magnitude. I came to realize that I need my family, friends, and all the people in the hospital to continue on. The moment I realized this, I broke down into tears; I didn't know how to deal with a situation with which I was clearly not able to deal alone. I learned to accept and be grateful for all the support people were giving me; I no longer felt the need to tackle everything alone. With this new source of strength, I was able to make it through some truly unimaginably trying times.But now, two months into this battle, I've begun to sense that even my own strength, along with all the support of the people around me and the inspiration of other cancer survivors, I need to garner more strength to finish the fight. It would be difficult to develop more internal strength during the struggle, and I couldn't possible get more support from other people than I've been getting. Unable to significantly increase my personal strength, and unable to ask for more support from other people, it became clear that faith, which I've left untapped my entire life, is what I need. The majority of my family is Christian, and I was brought up attending Church every Sunday. By the end of elementary school, though, I found that I felt very little connection to the religion, most likely due to my desire to believe that I can make it through life on my own personal strength. Now, I find myself almost 26 years old, wishing I had felt a connection. My father, along with many of my family, have, throughout my life, urged me to have faith. I always shrugged off this idea, and every time anybody tried to convince me to believe in their beliefs, my resistance to adopting a religion grew. For better or for worse, one personality trait that has become permanently ingrained in me is the belief that the only way I can and should learn things is through my personal experience, and at my own pace. The realization that I need to learn how to have faith occurred the day I was to be released from the hospital as I looked out my hospital room window. That vast expanse of glass is both a blessing and a curse; through it, you can see the outside world, but every time you look through it, you're reminded how isolated you are. Furthermore, the windows are covered with some type of film - most likely UV-resistant - which casts an amber tint to everything, dimming the brightness of the sun, the whiteness of the clouds. As I looked through the window, my excitement grew at the though of breathing fresh air and seeing the world with my vision unrestricted. But this excitement was dampened by the macabre though that perhaps this would be my last chance to do so; after all, the tumor in my chest had grown despite two rounds of chemotherapy. Ever conscious of the importance of maintaining a positive attitude, I cast this thought aside and replaced it with a search for how I can make sure that I'll regain my health and the ability to experience the world for many years. This is where my mind and heart began to develop an affinity for faith. I thought back to all that's happened in my life, and how lucky I've been even in my most unlucky times, and somehow it started to make sense to me that perhaps everything I've accomplished in my life was not solely a result of my own doing. The irrational thought that something greater than us has plans for us started to make sense. Why did I make a sudden decision to pack everything up and explore Hong Kong, where I got to know my Dad and a whole bunch of amazing people? Why was one of these people a computer programmer who inspired me to make a sudden switch of careers to become one too? Why did my attempt to form a company with him fail, and why did our partner bring me into a project which brought me to New York for a month? Why did the project fall behind schedule, forcing me to delay my return to Hong Kong by a month? Why was I given the time and resources to experience a fabulous dinner at The Modern and to see one of my favorite musicians perform at the Blue Note with Kaori just before falling ill? Why did all the severe symptoms of my cancer suddenly appear just a few days before I was to board a plane to embark on a 15 hour plane ride across the world? Why did my Mom decide to leave her day job as a teacher to begin founding her own school, giving her freedom and energy to care for me? These questions continued to fill my mind, and it somehow started to become apparent that this challenging stage of my life did not arise to end my life, but to teach me something, give me a purpose and show me the meaning that can be found in life, and prepare me to do something meaningful for other people and the world. I now have the faith that I'm being looked after by something more than just my family, friends, and doctors. I'm still very new to this concept. All I know now is that this development brought me to tears just as my realization that I need people did, and that I now find myself ready to return to the hospital with a firm eye on my recovery from this illness, and with a new inspiration to do something to help other people. Irrational? Yes. But that's one of the fundamental characteristics of faith, isn't it? Where do you all draw your strength from? I'd love to hear how you made it through the toughest times in your lives.
Justin - nothing is just a conincidence. I truly believe that everything was planned for before we were born and God's will and timing for everything is perfect. And it was not a conincidence that I bought you a book this weekend at church. I was going to ask your dad to bring it on his next trip but now, I will ask mom to courier it to your home (hopefully this afternoon) so you can read it. It explains a lot about Christianity and why it is different from other religions and looks at it from a logical and scientific way. A great read. Enjoy it.
Your post of 25th October made me cry, with sadness and sadness and a whole lot of praise to you for having found God again (yes again; He never left you), cultivating a relationship with Him and for accepting the Hand of God. That is Grace.
Son, my tears ran down my eyes when I read about your latest realization. God is wonderful and He will uplift you and heal you if you surrender all to Him.
Justin-Everyone will be so moved by your latest thoughts - faith is everything. You will win through. Love, A Ellie
Justin,After reading your last blog, I was so touched by the way you put your feelings down so beautifully. It really touched my heart. As Vena wrote earlier - I truly believe that our lives have been planned way before we're born and we're here for a purpose. God loves all his children and he'll guide you along thru this journey. Have faith in him!Thinking of you and I hope you're enjoying you time at home.Laura
Justin, you will find that a lot of Christians went through your stages of self-sufficiency; tangible resources; and then grace, through different circumstances, reveals to us there is a much biggar power fine-tuning both this universe as well as our individual cell functions. The Bible said 'search and you will find, knock, and the door will be opened unto you'. Go forward and ponder on your place/responsibility in this eternity we call time. You can share with your cousins how powerful prayers can be.
Hi Justin,Keep up your strength, keep up your fight. We're supporting you all the way! You are an absolute inspiration to many people. Even people who don't know you at all are finding inspiration through your fight with illness and your smile."When we are healthy, we derive strength and fulfillment through helping the self and others achieve the greater good. When we are ill, we rely on our positivity and inner-self to recover quickly. Positivity is derived as much from the person, as it is from friends and the people around us. If we can inspire others to support us through our battle with illness, we become more determined to win the war against it."Wayne Mak and Kass had earlier approached me about doing a fundraising activity as a tribute to you. In Hong Kong, we just finished a happy hour event as a tribute to you through the HKLCEC - with over 120 friends and supporters attending and showing their support inspired by you. This raised HKD13,107, and we would like to donate this money to your family as a gift for your inspiration and encouragement to continue and win your fight. You are a true warrior, and an inspiration to many people that you may or may not even know.As we've tried to get in touch through e-mail but are not so lucky, we decided that the best way to get in touch may be your blog. We would need the following1) Bank account to transfer money to your family (possibly to your father if he's in Hong Kong). If not, to your mother, in which we'll wire the money to the US. Whichever is more appropriate.2) Mailing address - either the mailing address to your home or hospital in Hartford Connecticut. Many people have signed a number of items in which we would like to send across to you.If you won't be able to read this, could any relatives please provide us with the information? Do send me a reply at will@bedoucha.com or call in Hong Kong at (+852) 97476807.Am looking forward to you conquering your second round of Chemotherapy. Stay strong brother! You have many friends as well as followers here in Hong Kong wishing you well.Get well,Will Bedoucha
I do believe in faith as I experienced hard times and difficult times in life. Some how God's is watching us and guide us. Some how we can't control many things happened in life so we need to believe in God's faith.Stay strong. Stay positive and keep smiling.
Beautifully written Justin. You have been so capable and self-reliant that you have probably needed little outside of yourself. Your current experience has to be transformative. I will pray for you and trust that you will get through this.Trent
As a great-aunt, I have only met you once when you came with your family to Victoria, B.C. Through your sudden illness, I came to know you more. I am touched by your testimonial, and your openness to share.We all think we can deal with whatever comes our ways, we use our earthy wisdom and think we can cope. Yet, even with supports from family, friends, modern tecnologies, nurse and doctors, we still need God to finish the healing touch.I pray that FAIth will be youir eyes and entrust your life and all to God.I am also thankful that you have reconnected with Jesus.Enjoy the fresh air, the bright sunshine, the refreshing rain, and most of all -Life.May God bless you !!Rennie Yue.
Dear Justin, You have really touched me with your testimony. It is so true and vivid. What I can share with you is that the most fortunate thing that can happen to one's life is the ability to see God, His Love and Care as well as His Will happening in one's life. I fully appreciate and realize that everything which I have been able to achieved is not done through my own ability or wisdom, but God realizing His Will through me. I know with certainty that everything happening in our lives is part of God's great plan. With our limited wisdom and knowledge it is almost impossible for us to fully apprehend why things are happening the way they are. We just have to have faith and complete trust in Him. I believe in prayer and seeking guidance from His Words and Teaching in the Bible. God is kind and has always answered our prayers if what we are praying for is in accordance with His Will. Have faith and complete trust in the Lord that He is going to heal you and bring you back to good health. I believe that He is preparing you for His new mission for you. Know for sure that He is walking through all these by your side and He is shouldering your burden. You know that all of us from the family and from P C Woo & Co. are praying for you. We are waiting for your return to Hong Kong to share with us this great experience of yours encountering God's love and care as well as his mighty strength in achieving what he has planned for you. Eat well, sleep well and gather great strength, getting ready for the treatment which the doctors have prescribed for you with the great wisdom which they have received from the Lord. We shall keep praying for you and thanking Him for all the wonders He is bestowing upon you. See you soon ! Remember what you told me when I visited you in the Hartford Hospital. You told me to let everyone in Hong Kong know that you will come back to be with us soon ! We all await your return and your sharing. WIshing you strong faith in the Almighty God, great strength and speedy recovery ! Keep Well and be POSITIVE as you return to continue with your treatment.Uncle Moses
Loved this ! hope you get to read my email. Blessings!
Hey Justin, I want to share with you one old passage,one of my favorites:Footprints in the SandOne night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,“You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?â€The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.â€God is carrying you through your fight. Lean on him for strength and support. He is there always, right by your side and in you... just waiting for your response to His call.
Dear Justin, My tears came down when I read your recent thoughts.I praised God---His spirit has touched you. Alleluia!As you are starting seeking for God I would very much like to share with you a few of my favourite verses in the Holy Bible, for in recent years it has been through God's words that I gain my strength through difficult times. Try read:-Matthew 7:7Proverb 1:7Isaiah 55:8,9Psalm 86:15John 1 (I love reading it over and over again)I pray that you will know God's love more and more by reading His words.In 1987 when Ellen had her severe car accident it was by readingEcclesiastes that I understood more about life and the need of faith in God.As for how I got through my early life I like to think that I was like a little boat, without a man made rudder, floating in the big sea but God is faithful, He was my rudder He guided me through all kind of storms. When I look back in my life, I am thankful that I was touched by the Holy Spirit in my teens and the best thing I have ever done was accepted Juses Christ as my saviour! May God bless you always.Lots of love, auntie Fei
Justin, it has been an amazing journey to follow you through your blog....to "share" in your hardships, to know you are well loved, and to experience your life changing revelations on so many levels as a person and a spiritual being. Your friends and family are as amazing as you are. I hope you are able to enjoy every moment of your freedom from hospital life and celebrate life to its fullest. Thank you so much for your honesty and efforts to communicate with all of those who are following your progress with concern and love....and yes, faith.We send you lots of love and light, Big big hugs from Leonardo and myself
Jeremiah Chapter 17: Wisdom from the Lord 7 “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. 8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.
Like you said, in tough times it is important to gather strength from many sources. Faith, family, friends, your doctors, and yourself. Remember, we are all here to support you!
Hello Justin, You probably don't remember me but you came to visit us when we lived in Green Oaks, Illinois almost ten years ago. My husband, Roger is a cousin to your mother. I want to thank you for sharing you struggle with me. I work as a chaplain, first in hospice and then in a hospital setting and agree that one's personal strength is necessary, support from family, friends and professionals is vital and faith is what brings your life and death all together. Faith is the golden thread that runs through and around everything. I have a poem for you that I found years back:WordsMirth rhymes with birth.Strife rhymes with lifeand breath rhymes with death.But I have not heardor seen a wordthat rhymes with faith.But my sorrow seesthat all of these;mirth, birth, strife, life,breath, death,all rhyme with faithin words beyond our yearsbeyond our tears and beyond our fears.I will continue to pray for your healing.Blessings,Elizabeth Tsang
Dear Justin, you may remember me, the pastor at Stanley Prison. Your dad passed on this link to me. First I want to say thank you for coming to visit the prisoners that day last year. Our visits - and our faith - are so important to those guys, who must often feel they have nothing to live for.Congratulations on discovering the importance of faith, as well as self and friends! What is faith? Many Christian thinkers have said that faith is essentially trust. People can live without trust just as they can live without faith. Some people have bad experiences that make it very hard for them to trust others. But imagine a life where you trust no-one and nothing. What a terribly lonely, frightening life! Sooner or later we all need to learn to trust.Trust can work in two ways. Often we will only trust someone who has earned our trust, so trust is a slow process. But just sometimes we will decide for some reason to trust someone. Then trust is a decision, and yes, it may be irrational. If we can learn to trust, then instead of being lonely and frightening, life becomes a joy and a pleasure. In Christian terms, I could say that faith in God allows us to relax into God's love. Archbishop Rowan Williams says that prayer is like sunbathing. That sounds somewhat strange! What he means is that in prayer all we need to do is bring ourselves into God's presence and then relax in his love.God bless you Justin, and may you feel upheld by faith, trust and love.Will
hi Justin! u dont know me, but my cousin, Sammy Liu told me about you. We prayed for you today! She told me to read through your blog which i find very encouraging and touching..I am glad that you are keeping a very positive attitude in a tough situation, and how the Lord is using you as a great inspiration to people. I am a nurse back home, and i know what cancer is like... I know it's not easy, but you make it sound like its not cancer..:) I pray that the Lord will fill your heart with great and unimaginable things. I pray that He will heal you completely! Keep on believing and enjoy every moment of life! May God continue to bless you! Ruth
Hi Justin,Your post made me think of "Into the Wild," which happens to be one of my favorite films. At one point in the film, Chris says "The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and, occasionally, the chance to feel strong. Now, I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong, but to feel strong, to measure yourself at least once, to find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions." I remember when I was traveling through Asia, I got sick one time in Beijing with a terrible stomach bug. I was stuck in my room with no one around that I knew and my flight back wasn't for another couple days. At first I was lonely and feeling dejected, but over time I started to ask myself, what is this supposed to be teaching me? As you say, everything happens for a reason, for me it was a matter of realizing the challenge laid before me, facing it and learning from it.I draw much of my strength from the experiences I've had in the past. When that isn't enough, my family is everything to me. My mother is one of the strongest people I know and keeps me level headed in any situation I encounter. I'm very happy that you've found your strength in the support of your friends and in faith. I hope to have one of our design sessions soon. I'm itching to get into design :)Take care!Wayne