Authored by Justin Yuen on Nov 10th 2010, 13:14
I haven't written a blog post in a while because I've really let my attitude slip up a bit lately.
This last round of chemo has been a psychological struggle. Now that I have a perspective of life at home vs. life at the hospital, I've suffered a frenzied feeling of restlessness due to the fact that I haven't been in control of my time the majority of the day. Even normally relaxing/entertaining activities became stressful, and the mere act of listening to person speak would set me off on a grumpy fit of complaints. I don't know why I became unable to control my mood, but it was difficult. I was unable to sleep soundly at night, which upsets me most since that means I kept my Mom from doing the same - she's still stuck by my side every night. The worst thing of all - but also the best, as you'll see - is that I was AWARE that I had lost grip of my positive attitude.
Through all this, there is one positive lesson that I've learned, and one thing that I did right. What I learned is that it is not really realistic, and maybe not possible to ALWAYS maintain a positive attitude at all times. The best we can do sometimes is to be aware of the state of our minds so that at least we can communicate to others that we are not in the best of moods. By apologizing to my caretakers as I rudely cut them off, letting them know that I'm just grumpy because I wasn't able to get comfortable, I let them know that the problem was me, not them. So, nobody was left offended or with the feeling that they had done anything wrong. Just me - I knew that I wasn't in my normal state of mind. Everybody seemed to understand, and we all made it through alright.
Now, I still haven't returned to my normal state of mind, but at least something useful came out of it. The lesson here - be aware of why you feel the way you do, and let people know why you may not be reacting normally to things. I apologize to all of you for a slightly less positive post! Perhaps that's the thread that will pull me back to my normal attitude.
dont worry justin i will be positive for you :D so you can take a break :3
Justin: You have a great mom. She's walking (and waking) with you through this journey and I love how you are expressing appreciation for her. Through the thick of this uncertain illness, this love shines bright!I am thankful, too, that you are on a journey of faith. What else takes our eyes off of ourselves and our present condition, but faith? Mine is embedded in Jesus Christ, who promises: “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29. A guarantee of rest (physical, emotional, spiritual) in times of turbulence - this is my continual prayer for you.Hugs,Auntie Christine
Thank Goodness - you're human afterall. You've been so strong for so long. It's only natural one feels down from time to time in order to appreciate the good days and I am sure there will be plenty ahead. Don't have to try so hard to be perfect - I gave that up years ago. We're all supporting you near and far no matter what. We all love to share your good days and your bad ones. Don't beat yourself up - just concentrate on building your strength up and to feel better........ You're one special kid! Take care and my prayers are with you!!!!Laura
Hi Justin, Relax, try to take your mind off from your current situation. Just focus on relaxing and just do whatever you feel like. As quoted by my yoga instructer, constant thinking will drain your energy so dont think too much. Because less of sleep will not be able to contrubite to your next day work and mood. Positive attitude always contribute to positive result. Dont be too hard to yourself, keep smiling, deep breathing and praying. :D
HI, son: You are so sensible even when you are low spirited! That's what is incredible about you! Like your auntie Laura said, we are all human after all. You have all the rights to be grumpy! Auntie Christine also put it right that this is time for your faith in God to carry you through and give you peace until your burden is lifted and be positive again.You are really lucky to have mom by your side. 世上åªæœ‰åª½åª½å¥½, 有媽的å©ååƒå€‹å¯¶..You are indeed the "treasure"!Hope you feel better soon. Love, Dad
Justin-Your frustration and sometimes outright anger are only normal reactions and effects of the potent drugs and preceived "loss of control". When you get better you will feel differently. Don't blame yourself and as you have done simply thank your Mother, your friends, and your hospital carers - they understand. Love, A Ellie
Justin, last night a-Fei (the Pipa performer, we watched the show together once in HK Culture Centre) told me she is preparing a new show in Dec. At that time I directly thought of you~I have to tell you that you really missed several good shows in HK these days~ And a-Fei ask me to pass her best regards to you and your health, as both of you are the friends of Pipa. For losing positive attitude, maybe sometimes you do need something self-will or even selffish to have a balance there, which may then give you a new postive energy later. Hope you feel better.Winni
Hehe I remember that song 世上åªæœ‰åª½åª½å¥½ your dad quoted, from when i was still living in China (6-ish). I think it was the very first song that made me feel emotional. From a 50s b&w movie. I don't remember the movie, but the song is just...Hope you're sleeping well tonight.
You're permitted to feel down and to feel up. It is trying; it's tough but you'll pull through this rough patch. I know you will. You have to believe it too.Caroline
Hi Justin, I am just so glad and relieved to get your new posting. Sharingwith us your "down moment" is in itself a very brave act and I am torched by your sensitivity towards other's feeling. You are definitely a thinker. Do you have a large print Bable by your side? I think you will find reading It a great help for you.A big big hug to you and your Mum, with love and prayers from Auntie Fei
Justin, expressing both your positive and negative feelings is exactly the right thing to do. Not only does it help your friends and family understand what you are going through so they can support you better, but the very act of expressing it will help you get beyond the negative feelings faster.I continue to be very impressed by how you are handling this incredibly difficult time and I am so happy to see that you have such strong support from your family and friends, especially your Mom. I was also very moved by your Dad's post, it shows how highly he thinks of you.Keep up the good fight, we are all with you!
Always remember that showing your ups and downs makes you human :) keep on keepin' on! you're doing great....
Dearest Justin, None of us is immune from feeling negative and down, especially when our journey through life is troubled and challenged. I am so touched that even with discomfort going through the thick of illness, you are still so considerate and thoughtful to others. Justin, remember that God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. "The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand." Psalm 37, 23-25. God will hold you as you take the path of faith and trust in Him. We are always praying for you and He will bring you back to your positive normal state of mind. We love you and are with you in prayers. Please give our best wishes and love to your Mom. Gu Ma Betty
Justin, your advice is really beneficial to all of us I think. I know there are times when I get distracted or snippy with people, and it's mostly because I'm not in the best of moods. Thanks for the insight.
Wise words. Everybody gets frustrated, and sometimes we take it out on the people around us. The most important thing is how we manage those times, and communication is key! Man... I sound like my Mom - now I'm grumpy.
I have a 3X5 picture of Nick Vujicic on the wall of my office. In it, he carries a most serene smile to the camera. Acceptance, serenity and joy of life is offered to every Christ's follower. His picture is there to remind me to rely on Christ's in things as mundane as eating and as momentus as teaching my children about eternal life.Frustration, in most instances, is a recognition of a limitation of our ability; but if you think about it more, what, that we own, is really under our entire control? Not our birth into an affluent family; not our aptitude to gain university level knowledge; not in the choice of country where freedom of speech and thinking has no restriction.Google Nick Vujicic and know that the serenity he has found is also offered to you today.
Thoughtful as ever, Justin - good on you! You have been robbed of your good health, and I don't think that anyone would expect someone who had been robbed of something precious and irreplaceable to be always upbeat and inspirational. I reckon it's OK, perhaps even therapeutic, to be angry, and upset. Maybe it would give your wonderful mother "permission" to do likewise. You are both very strong - try not to "outdo" each other. In this time before any more chemo I hope you'll be able to eat loads and fatten up. Lots of love, Ellen
I realize there's a lot of pressure sometimes to be inspiration and to be "strong," but expressing your emotions is a necessary to not let frustration build up so that you can be positive another day. As people have already said earlier on in the comments, it's ok. It's ok to be upset. It's ok.Stay strong my friend.
Eagerly waiting for your next post my friend. åŠ æ²¹ï¼
Hey Justin, just saying hi, and just wanted to let you know that lots of folk here are praying for you. I am guessing you're probably feeling quite grotty. When your small intestines feel like they're trying to come up your stomach and your lungs feel like lead weights, I hope that your mind will help you escape to happier places. It must be really hard, probably more awful than words can describe, but keep slugging the Purple Blob! Much love,Ellen
Hi Justin,Have not heard from you for a week, how are you doing? I just want to say hi and to let you know that you and your mom are in my prayers. Take care ad hope to see your blog soon.Laura
Hey cousin... just dropping in to tell you WE LOVE YOU LOADS!! Ganbadei ne!
Hi Justin, Good morning! I hope you slept well last night and will have a better appetite to-day.This morning I was sitting watching a BBC programe "Homes under the hammer" and was thinking that you would enjoy it too! Keep fighting Justin, we all love you loads.Thinking of you and praying for you all the time,Auntie Fei
The first step to feeling better when feeling negative is to realize and embrace your negative emotions. Just observe them without trying to do anything about them. You're doing just fine! Complain all you want! :)
Hi, Justin. Haven't heard from you for a while. We are thinking of you and continuing our prayers for you praying for God's mercy and miraculous healing. We hope your stomach discomfort will ease. We love you loads. May God bless you.Love, Gu Ma Betty
Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!!!! Thinking of you today and always........Laura